Leaving changed my circumstances.

It didn’t erase what had happened.

I didn’t understand that yet.

I thought being safe meant I should feel safe.

But those aren’t always the same thing.

Sometimes my body reacted before my mind understood why.

A change in someone’s voice.

A certain look.

Conflict.

Someone being angry.

Feeling trapped.

The smallest things could make something inside me tighten.

I became very good at reading rooms.

Who was upset?

Was everyone okay?

Did someone need something?

Was something about to happen?

At the time, I didn’t have words for any of it.

I didn’t think:

This is a trauma response.

I thought:

This is just who I am.

So I adapted.

I kept people happy.

I anticipated problems.

I avoided conflict when I could.

I took responsibility for things that weren’t always mine.

And because those habits helped me function, I didn’t see anything wrong with them.

Some survival skills are sneaky that way.

They can look like personality traits.

Being helpful.

Being independent.

Being responsible.

Being the person who notices everything.

Being the person who can handle anything.

People praise those qualities.

And sometimes they are wonderful qualities.

But years later, I would begin to understand that some of mine had roots.

I wasn’t simply observant.

I’d learned to watch.

I wasn’t simply independent.

I’d learned not to rely on anyone.

I wasn’t simply good at keeping the peace.

I’d learned that peace could disappear very quickly.

That realization wouldn’t come until much later.

Back then, I was simply living.

Building.

Raising my child.

Going to school.

Moving forward.

I didn’t know that pieces of the past had quietly packed their bags and come with me.

If you’re reading this…

There may be things about yourself you’ve judged for years.

Why am I so sensitive to someone’s tone?

Why do I hate conflict?

Why do I need everyone around me to be okay before I can relax?

Why can’t I just let things go?

Maybe instead of asking,

“What’s wrong with me?”

try asking:

“Where did I learn this?”

Sometimes the things we dislike most about ourselves were once the very things that helped us survive.

You don’t have to hate that version of yourself.

Thank her.

Understand her.

And when you’re ready…

teach her that things are different now.

Love,
Nova Leigh